Bad Boys (H.C.P.D. training manual)
So you want to be a cop and live the daring, dangerous life that you see on such shows as CSI, Law and Order, or even Hawaii Five-O and Dragnet? If you think you have the guts, pride, and lust for power that it takes, then the Hickville City Police Department is the place for you!
On the H.C.P.D. (as we like to call it on the force), you will get a chance to apprehend perpetrators, arrest criminals, and otherwise stop the bad guys. Through our patented practice of traffic patrolling and the setting of speed traps, you will be able to keep dangerous criminals literally off our streets. You will have many tools at your disposal in the H.C.P.D. including the following:
1. Handgun: 9 mm., .44 magnum, .357, or .45 (depending on which firearm you wish to purchase for yourself)
2. Baton (for poking, prodding, and/or beating)
3. Flashlight (this is great for shining into the perp.’s eyes, or as a backup weapon if your first two fail)
4. Car, truck, or if you’re really lucky, you can re-enact your favorite episode of C.H.I.P.S. on one of our brand-new police motorcycles. Most vehicles come complete with video camera, flashing lights, siren, cage and push bumper (it’s so much fun to use this, by the way).
5. Two-way radio (for getting the low down on the suspects)
6. Uniform and badge (note: While these two items might seem like the least helpful in your arsenal, they must not be underestimated. They are the very items that give you the power to exercise nearly unlimited dominating authority over your suspects and anyone else you wish to show who is boss.)
With these tools on your side, you cannot fail.
As you begin your life on the beat, and throughout your career as a law enforcement officer on the H.C.P.D., you will encounter many situations for which you must prepare yourself beforehand. To improve your chances for success, we will give you several of these scenarios along with their best possible solution.
Exhibit A- The broken taillight. This is one of those marvelous situations that will allow you to circumvent those pesky laws that limit our control over normal law-abiding citizens. When you encounter this situation, you must immediately pull the suspect over. You never know when you might pull over a thief, mass murderer, or leader of a polygamous sect wanted for performing marriages of underage girls. You may be tempted to show the person leniency if it turns out that they are not a murderer, but you must never, I repeat NEVER let the suspect go with anything less than a written warning or fix-it ticket. They must be made to feel the inconvenience caused by their daring to drive in public with such a violation.
Exhibit B- The broken headlight. While at first glance you might think that this situation is much the same as the last, you would be very mistaken. The first situation is conceivably (though probably not) purely accidental. A person might drive around with a taillight out for some time without noticing. A malfunctioning headlight, on the other hand, is very hard for the suspect to miss when driving around on the dark streets of Hickville. Therefore, you must never believe them when they say that they were unaware of the situation. Help them to understand what a dirtbag you see them as, but do so subtly, in the tone of your voice and the positioning of your flashlight. You must punish them to the extent of the law. Although the law normally only allows the above- mentioned fix-it ticket, you may be able to provoke them into assaulting an officer (either physically or verbally) through your use of the previously mentioned “dirtbag” techniques. In the best-case scenario, you might even find drugs on their person or in their car.
Exhibit C- The midnight stop sign run. Many people might be under the impression that, just because it’s the middle of the night or they are on a deserted stretch of road, it is okay to not come to a complete stop at a stop sign. You and I know that this is wrong, and we must help them to see the error of their ways. This lesson can be taught by using the “dirtbag” techniques. Another possible solution is achieved through what we refer to as the “scumball” technique. This is done by first provoking the perp. to raise their voice at you. Once this is accomplished, ask them to exit the vehicle. If they exit either too slowly or too quickly you are then justified in using either physical force or (if you really want to show them who’s boss) your taser. Remember that, one way or another, all suspects must acknowledge your power and authority over them.
Exhibit D- The speedster. This is the person that likes to go fast anywhere and everywhere, all of the time. You must make them aware that only you have the authority to drive around at these extreme velocities on public roads. If they seem repentant, this is one time in which you may show them that H.C.P.D. officers are not only just but merciful too, if and when the suspect is sufficiently deferential. If they were going five miles-per-hour over the posted speed limit, write them a ticket for four. If they were going ten m.p.h. over, then write it for five, and so on. Note that it is not mandatory that you show them mercy. It is at your sole discretion as to whether or not they are worthy of this kindness.
One more note about exhibits C and D: In order to increase the number of offenders caught and tickets written (and therefore the department’s revenue) you will need to set up “speed traps” or exhibit C’s equivalent “sign traps.” To do this, you need only park your car in an inconspicuous location where these laws are frequently violated and wait. This technique is also great for slipping in an unscheduled coffee or doughnut break.
Exhibit E- The neighborhood roundup. This is another great way to increase the department’s revenue. On occasion (when you aren’t busy with a speed trap), you may want to drive through a residential neighborhood. This is a wonderful way to just keep the criminals on their toes. Take advantage of this time to look for vehicles that are parked on the wrong side of the street, in front of a driveway, too close to a stop sign, etc. It is often amusing to turn this into a game to see how many tickets you can write in one neighborhood. You are only limited by your imagination.
Exhibit F- The off-duty call in. This is the last of the great revenue generators. Imagine it’s your day off. You are driving around town when you come across a vehicle that is in violation of one of the above-mentioned laws, or perhaps they have expired registration. You may be tempted to say, “it’s not my problem. I’m off duty right now. Let Bill deal with it.” Wrong! While you are not expected to write the tickets yourself, you should always take the initiative to call in any of these offenses. Not only will this increase the number of criminals apprehended, but the officer on duty will also have the added pressure of reporting back to you on what they did about it. This will greatly reduce the temptation to let someone go with just a warning. Remember, it is up to you to pay your salary.
Exhibit G- Trailer parks. While it is very uncommon in Hickville City, you must remember that you are not solely a traffic cop, and you will be called on occasion to deal with an actual crime. If this ever happens to you, DO NOT PANIC! Remain calm, and remember that this is why you joined the force in the first place. It is a wonderful opportunity to practice what you’ve learned on “Cops.” You can take statements, resolve disturbances, and make arrests. If it’s a really good crime scene, you might even get the opportunity to play C.S.I. (e.g. Dust for fingerprints, draw a cool chalk line around the victim, take pictures, and collect samples). Remember to take full advantage of this situation, since you don’t know when the next one will come along.
You now have the tools you need to serve proudly as an officer. Once again, we welcome you to the H.C.P.D. We hope that you can serve long and faithfully. May you always enjoy dominat . . . I mean serving the people of Hickville.
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